The Girl

On October 14, 2009 sometime before 9:00pm EST our daughter was born. She is the third and last child in our family. This little girl joins a big brother, now eight, and another big brother, now four. She was the missing member who now completes our family. This is a very happy story that doesn't start out that way, but

ends "happily ever after".

Once I became a mother I always envisioned having three children. Being I was the youngest of three children I suppose I felt a kinship to a third child. Deciding to start a family is never completely easy; is this the "right time", do we have  enough money, are we ready for our lives to change? But once you do decide to become parents you cannot do it fast enough. Fortunately my husband and I were very lucky and blessed that our first two babies came without any problems; their paths to becoming our children were unobstructed. When we felt ready to try for a third baby we weren't as lucky.

The pregnancy that was supposed to provide me a third baby ended in miscarriage at week ten. For those of you who have suffered miscarriages you know how devastating they are. Intellectually it is understood the pregnancy was not viable and this is God's way (or whatever Higher Power you believe in) of taking care of things naturally. But in your heart you feel like a failure and the sense of loss is immeasurable and almost unbearable. My husband and I vowed to wait nearly six months before we tried again.

Two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant again! This was such amazingly wonderful news. I had handled the miscarriage rather well, focusing instead on my two healthy, beautiful sons and the Christmas Season we were heading into at the time. But now, in this short time since the miscarriage, I was so deeply scared that we had rushed into this unintentional pregnancy and that the same demise might occur again. I couldn't get attached at first. Each week leading up to "Week 10" left me cold, shaking, and bereft of optimism. But miraculously I found myself having a very healthy pregnancy. And even in my 'advanced age' of thirty-six/thirty-seven, the baby was healthy and my pregnancy was strong.

Friends, families, and strangers would ask, "Going for the girl, huh?" when they realized we had two little boys. How utterly rude. I was convinced I was having a boy and was thrilled beyond belief. My father is the youngest of three boys and nothing would have made me happier than a third little boy. I just never felt my family was complete without a third child. I'm selfish that way. When the delivery was finished the doctor proclaimed, "It's a beautiful baby girl!" I argued with him! "No it's not." I said disbelievingly. "Yes, it is!" "No way", I replied. The nurse and my husband each had to try to convince me and the doctor was incredulous that I was adamant that it wasn't. I just couldn't wrap my frazzled brain around the fact that I was blessed with  not only the third child of my heart, but that she was a little girl as well.

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In all honesty, it's been a year of mixed emotions. I've still been mourning the lost pregnancy and at the same time am overjoyed with my precious baby girl. This, of course, leads to feelings of guilt. It's taken a long time and a lot of work, but I"m finally feeling free to just be. I am my daughter's mother and that feels absolutely natural and divine. I do understand how so very lucky and blessed my husband and I are. Many want to become parents and cannot naturally. But I cannot deny the pain I felt, the loss I endured, and the joy I am relishing.

Now my precious daughter turns one. We are leaving behind the infant years and looking forward as we watch this precious toddler take her first steps into the world. I want to protect her from the pains I've suffered but know that she alone must embark on her journey and be able to feel great pain to know tremendous joy. I will simply hold her hand as long as she'll let me and hold her heart for an eternity. I am so blessed to have the girl.