Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Girl

On October 14, 2009 sometime before 9:00pm EST our daughter was born. She is the third and last child in our family. This little girl joins a big brother, now eight, and another big brother, now four. She was the missing member who now completes our family. This is a very happy story that doesn't start out that way, but
ends "happily ever after".
Once I became a mother I always envisioned having three children. Being I was the youngest of three children I suppose I felt a kinship to a third child. Deciding to start a family is never completely easy; is this the "right time", do we have  enough money, are we ready for our lives to change? But once you do decide to become parents you cannot do it fast enough. Fortunately my husband and I were very lucky and blessed that our first two babies came without any problems; their paths to becoming our children were unobstructed. When we felt ready to try for a third baby we weren't as lucky.
The pregnancy that was supposed to provide me a third baby ended in miscarriage at week ten. For those of you who have suffered miscarriages you know how devastating they are. Intellectually it is understood the pregnancy was not viable and this is God's way (or whatever Higher Power you believe in) of taking care of things naturally. But in your heart you feel like a failure and the sense of loss is immeasurable and almost unbearable. My husband and I vowed to wait nearly six months before we tried again.
Two and a half months later I found out I was pregnant again! This was such amazingly wonderful news. I had handled the miscarriage rather well, focusing instead on my two healthy, beautiful sons and the Christmas Season we were heading into at the time. But now, in this short time since the miscarriage, I was so deeply scared that we had rushed into this unintentional pregnancy and that the same demise might occur again. I couldn't get attached at first. Each week leading up to "Week 10" left me cold, shaking, and bereft of optimism. But miraculously I found myself having a very healthy pregnancy. And even in my 'advanced age' of thirty-six/thirty-seven, the baby was healthy and my pregnancy was strong.
Friends, families, and strangers would ask, "Going for the girl, huh?" when they realized we had two little boys. How utterly rude. I was convinced I was having a boy and was thrilled beyond belief. My father is the youngest of three boys and nothing would have made me happier than a third little boy. I just never felt my family was complete without a third child. I'm selfish that way. When the delivery was finished the doctor proclaimed, "It's a beautiful baby girl!" I argued with him! "No it's not." I said disbelievingly. "Yes, it is!" "No way", I replied. The nurse and my husband each had to try to convince me and the doctor was incredulous that I was adamant that it wasn't. I just couldn't wrap my frazzled brain around the fact that I was blessed with  not only the third child of my heart, but that she was a little girl as well.
.
In all honesty, it's been a year of mixed emotions. I've still been mourning the lost pregnancy and at the same time am overjoyed with my precious baby girl. This, of course, leads to feelings of guilt. It's taken a long time and a lot of work, but I"m finally feeling free to just be. I am my daughter's mother and that feels absolutely natural and divine. I do understand how so very lucky and blessed my husband and I are. Many want to become parents and cannot naturally. But I cannot deny the pain I felt, the loss I endured, and the joy I am relishing.
Now my precious daughter turns one. We are leaving behind the infant years and looking forward as we watch this precious toddler take her first steps into the world. I want to protect her from the pains I've suffered but know that she alone must embark on her journey and be able to feel great pain to know tremendous joy. I will simply hold her hand as long as she'll let me and hold her heart for an eternity. I am so blessed to have the girl.





8 comments:

  1. I am truely blessed to have both of you in my life. Thank you God.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Another awesome blog!!! I remember this time last year like it was yesterday - scary how time flies.... We look forward to sharing many memorable moments with you guys, as our kids grow and continue to develop into the wonderful people they are going to become!

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow, seriously a year??? not possible!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I absolutely love that face! Please give her a patented "Miss Julie- big, squeeze, love" for me. I know I asked you to do it over at Rowdy, but I think she deserves TWO! :) <3

    I know the feeling of having an "incomplete" family and a complete family. I had wanted 5 boys, then I wanted 6 children, then I just wanted 4 (as my oldest has always been the "handful")... even for about two or three years after my 3rd (and last was born) I felt there was something missing. Somehow as life went on and the family grew older and changed, 3 seemed to be complete. I don't think I could imagine having another one, but I rejoice when I hear of a baby coming into the world. It is always a joyful occasion.

    Hugs to you as the road to Rosie was difficult. Just makes her that much more precious.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Happy 1st Birthday Rosie! From the "Augustine crew" :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Fateful events took place, what we will do regret giving direction to the future! virtual-to reconstruct the past but not live.! Hi Chief, The bad ones be forgotten. God bless your baby is very beautiful. Three children in the ideal,Only do not, make peace with one another makes huff. Low-making process, all the women in the matter. However, to make induced abortion must be within a short period of time. (fetus occurs), but I'm not an expert on this subject. Remember this last period as a sweet story, look in front of the beautiful days. I wish happiness to your family.:))

    ReplyDelete
  7. Candice,

    Thank you for sharing. I have not had to experience what you did. Sometimes it is hard regardless of the situation to accept what God has in HIS plan for us. That is the part that brings courage to our faith.

    Many happy returns on the first birthday and many more to your daughter.

    KJ

    ReplyDelete
  8. When we lost our little angel I kept saying to myself that God chose her to be with Him, so she is so special. I am sorry you had the loss of your little one but I am so happy that you were blessed to have your little girl. She is precious! Thank you for sharing your story with me. So glad we were able to "meet" via Triberr! xoxo Lisa

    ReplyDelete